Like many things the hardest part is actually starting. The more I thought about it the more confused I got about what I wanted to write. So I told myself to shut up (I have to do that sometimes) and just get started. I really don't know what I want to write so I guess I'll just go with a stream of conscious deal. It usually works good for me and I end up finding a lot about myself when I just let go and don't think about it.
Lately has been really hard. I want to open up but I don't want to either. I always have these thoughts in my mind that I'm either over reacting or I'm burdening people when I open up. Plus it's really hard for me to completely open up to anyone. I've always felt like I'm not really worth it for people to put in the time. I have moments where I don't feel that as much but it's always in the back of my mind. I think or at least hope that the group Chris started is going to help that. I already feel more comfortable there than any other group I can remember being part of. I really hope it stays that way for me.
Right now it feels like my body is fighting itself and my mental health is suffering. This health issue I'm dealing with is really getting the best of me. I'm trying to not let it get me down, but I feel like it's a losing battle. Seems like every time I gain a little ground I end up slipping back down the slope. I've had thoughts of self harm. Not enough to act on them but they are creeping in more and more. I'm just so fed up with everything. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and crawl under the covers. I just want all of the issues associated with the health problem to go away. I'm tired of being sick and tired.
My health isn't all of it, but it's a large part. The housing people are getting to me again. I'm not having panic attacks this time but I'm on edge. The threatened me during one of the inspections about the stray cats. She told me that the next person they caught feeding them would be evicted. Thank goodness I'm not the main one that puts food out for them. But that's another can of worms. My neighbor is moving and then they'll be completely dependent on me. I told her what they told me and she said they never said anything to her. Of course not. They think I'm the main one and they know all they have to do for me to freak out is to mention the word eviction. I almost want to move in with my sister to get away from all of them.
I know I can't expect to be the same person I was before Terry died, but I realized today just how different I am than where I was. I'm not sure how I feel about the me I am now. I like parts of me but other parts I don't.
It's getting harder to write stuff now. I'm getting tired. Wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight. If not there's always reading. I really hope I can keep this up. I think it'd be good for me. Not going to set a schedule because if I miss one I'll get fed up and just say forget it to everything. If I think about it, I'm going to try to include a pic each time that either reflects how I feel or seems to just calms me.
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