How did I get to this head space?

I know I'm not in a good space.  I've known it for a while. I tried convince myself that taking a break from the things causing me the most stress made me better.  I lied to myself and others about that.

I don't know for sure how I got here. I couldn't even tell you how long I've been here.  It's February and I can't look back and see a place in my past that says a-ha that's the moment.  I'm thinking maybe it was October when I really started noticing issues.  I'm not sure though. Could it go back even longer to the summer?  I honestly can't remember.  That kinda makes me mad. I want to know if there was a trigger or if it was something gradual.  If it was a trigger then I want to avoid that or at least learn how to deal with it.

I know in October I house sat for my brother. I took care of the dogs and his mother-in-law.  I felt on edge the whole time I was there. I had 2 panic attacks while there. Don't remember if I told my family or even my counselor now. I'm pretty sure I told my counselor.  I was having the health issues that have really screwed with my mental health. It's been so tiring always wondering if this time the treatment will work or if it failed wondering if there would ever be anything that would help.

Around Thanksgiving I had to block a friend that I've been friends with for over 10 years because  they were emotionally draining. I tried talking to them and letting them know how I was feeling and that I needed a break. They didn't listen and just kept pushing and pushing.  I couldn't take it anymore. Finally I blocked them. I've felt guilt about it ever since, but I KNOW I had to do it for my mental health. It really has helped. I don't think I could be dealing with them too now.

Christmas I had a lot of anxiety. More than usual. Actually think I've had more anxiety since October at the least.  It felt crippling and I fought to not let it take completely over. It did effect some of the stuff but not all of it. The family didn't get it and that caused hurt feelings and more anxiety on my part. Why can't I be normal like everyone else?

Then comes January. On the surface it would look like it should be a great month. Went to visit my family in Arkansas. But no. Honestly I like visiting my family, but it's super stressful on me when we go.  Dealing with the food differences makes me feel like a horrible person because I don't like the same things they do. I never sleep much when I'm there and that doesn't help. The part that REALLY makes me feel like a horrible person is as much as I love the youngest, he gets on my nerves the quickest.  It's hard to for me to be around him a lot. I get frustrated with him and his actions. Also in January I had to take a break from some things because people were getting on my nerves and I had gotten to where I didn't recognize myself. I was mean and snarky. I NEVER want to be that way. The break did help that part, but now I'm wondering if that's just a symptom of a bigger problem.

End of January and beginning of February kinda bleed together for me this year.  In less than a week it was the anniversary of Terry being found unconscious, 2 BCR cats crossing the rainbow bridge, and then my sis's dog crossing the rainbow bridge. That really did a number on me and it's not getting better.  Friday is the 3rd anniversary of Terry's death. It almost seems to be hitting me harder this year than last but then maybe I was in a fog and don't remember last year.  The last couple of days it's been hard not to just break down crying. Today (Monday) is really hard. This morning didn't seem too bad considering, but this afternoon all I've wanted to do is just do stuff to cause me to forget.

Part of me wants to take the nyquil to knock me out so I'll sleep.  But the thing that's really got me kinda scared is I'm having almost overwhelming urges to start cutting again. I want to cause myself pain because it'll feel good. If not cutting with a knife then maybe \using my fingernails and pressing hard enough to cause scratches.  I'm ashamed to say I already did that once and it felt really good.  THAT's when I knew I was in trouble. I've not had the urge to really cause myself harm in YEARS.  I'm kinda scared.  I'm afraid of what this means. Have I just completely backtracked? What will I do when Friday gets here? Will I be tempted to do more? I honestly don't think so. I don't think I'm in that space now. But then until the last few days I didn't think I was in the space to want to start cutting again.  I just don't know and that's scaring me.

Trying Something New

Well here goes. My first attempt at a new blog.  It was a suggestion by a friend. It was one of those things that the moment I heard it, it just seemed right. I really hope I can keep it up. I really love writing but I've let it get away from me.

Like many things the hardest part is actually starting. The more I thought about it the more confused I got about what I wanted to write. So I told myself to shut up (I have to do that sometimes) and just get started. I really don't know what I want to write so I guess I'll just go with a stream of conscious deal. It usually works good for me and I end up finding a lot about myself when I just let go and don't think about it.

Lately has been really hard. I want to open up but I don't want to either.  I always have these thoughts in my mind that I'm either over reacting or I'm burdening people when I open up. Plus it's really hard for me to completely open up to anyone. I've always felt like I'm not really worth it for people to put in the time. I have moments where I don't feel that as much but it's always in the back of my mind.  I think or at least hope that the group Chris started is going to help that. I already feel more comfortable there than any other group I can remember being part of.  I really hope it stays that way for me. 

Right now it feels like my body is fighting itself and my mental health is suffering. This health issue I'm dealing with is really getting the best of me. I'm trying to not let it get me down, but I feel like it's a losing battle. Seems like every time I gain a little ground I end up slipping back down the slope. I've had thoughts of self harm. Not enough to act on them but they are creeping in more and more. I'm just so fed up with everything. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and crawl under the covers. I just want all of the issues associated with the health problem to go away. I'm tired of being sick and tired.

My health isn't all of it, but it's a large part. The housing people are getting to me again. I'm not having panic attacks this time but I'm on edge. The threatened me during one of the inspections about the stray cats. She told me that the next person they caught feeding them would be evicted. Thank goodness I'm not the main one that puts food out for them. But that's another can of worms. My neighbor is moving and then they'll be completely dependent on me. I told her what they told me and she said they never said anything to her. Of course not. They think I'm the main one and they know all they have to do for me to freak out is to mention the word eviction. I almost want to move in with my sister to get away from all of them.

I know I can't expect to be the same person I was before Terry died, but I realized today just how different I am than where I was. I'm not sure how I feel about the me I am now. I like parts of me but other parts I don't.

It's getting harder to write stuff now. I'm getting tired.  Wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight. If not there's always reading. I really hope I can keep this up. I think it'd be good for me. Not going to set a schedule because if I miss one I'll get fed up and just say forget it to everything. If I think about it, I'm going to try to include a pic each time that either reflects how I feel or seems to just calms me.